As I Lay Alive in Dirt

Does anybody need me,
As bad as I need somebody now?
I'd like to think,
That these things sort themselves out,
But I know without a doubt,
That they tend to linger on the better half of yesterday.

Will I pretend, that my subconscious,
Simply does not exist?
I can't shake the feeling,
That I am god damn dead wrong.
Is it alright,
If I am not sure?

Recollect the past,
As to patch together a lasting effigy,
Every time I think about you,
I go empty.
I bleed out.

I have a lot to give,
A lot to live for.
I have a lot to do,
With the time I've accrued.
But what's it worth to you?
What's it worth?
Probably nothing,
Can't I be something too?

Mistakes, corrections,
All of it taken for granted,
Lost, but I wanna have it,
Is it bad, if I try to take it back?
Is it ok if I just close my eyes and wait,
For it all to change my way?
Why can't it change the way I like it?

So simple, yet I'm confused.
A ghost outside my door,
Smells of your perfume.
So simple yet confused,
Abused and aching,
Willing to die for you.
What's a human to do?

And on I go,
And on I go.
What am I supposed to do?
And on I go,
And on.. and on...

When Being Lost is No Longer an Acceptable Excuse

If it wasn't for you,
I'd still be wearing thin,
Dressed head to toe
In clothes that showed,
What I wanted the world to know
About me.

If it wasn't for you,
I'd never crack a smile,
Or poke my head into conversations,
Just to change them, to show what
Was really worth saying.

If it wasn't for you,
The downward spiral
I thought to be true,
Would still have me glued
To the obvious bathroom floor.

Now the doors are open,
My feet are coping with the pavement.
Catch me racing after each and every sunrise,
Eyes still tied to that one moment,
When you had my tongue under the gun of compromise.

Underestimated Mistakes (All of My Own)

It's so frustrating to me,
When you speak out of line,
What do I have to hide behind?

You came willingly,
Strung out, upside down.
Our seemingly endless love,
Has suddenly crumbled up,
Right before us.

But I'm not one,
To try to fix this.
I lack persistence,
Covet distance, all resistance,
Now, Now, Now.

Time is moving fast,
Didn't get a glance,
As I peered through the glass,
I'm never looking back!

I've waited all of my life for this,
To fill the vastly emptiness.
As I start to get a grip,
I feel it slip right through my fist,
What is this slit across my wrist,
I exist, I exist, I exist!..

To Today, and Forever Always Afraid, of the Way You Pretend to Take Me Away

What can I do to be,
Someone you need?
Do I have to get on my knee's,
Begging please,
Please don't leave me.

I have never met someone who can hold,
So much control over me,
Easily, I used to fuck anyone that I wanted,
Now I'm haunted, by the thought of a touch,
Or anyone, other than you.
What am I supposed to do?

I can't pretend, every day is torture.
Every minute a miniature aborture,
I can see it, slipping through my hands.
In demand, but not something I can have.

Postpartum, only welcome due to circumstance,
Well here I am. You can have my whole being,
If that is what you are feeling.
Do you feel me, am I interesting enough, for you?

Through the thickest black!
You put the attack, on hold.
But I, Tend not to hold back,
Not even a second chance to relapse,
Perhaps, he will forget.
How could I pretend, to put an end,
To the caving of my chest?
Hanging hard on the cusp of every breath.

I've got my mind set on seeing you,
I've got my mind set on the truth,
Will you run or stray away from me?
Will you run or stay with me?
Just lay with me, baby please believe that I won't leave,
it all.
To you.

I guess I will see, as the end and beginning,
Start to coincide, Will I live or die through
This monstrous tide? Is it my time?
Is it right, is it wrong?
Where do I even belong? Am I coming on a tad too strong,
Or just simply not enough?
Enough.

I can taste the buzz of the lift,
Got a loaded gun in a sinking ship.
I can taste the buzz of the lift,
As it starts to shoot sharp pains through my hips.
Through sealed lips, I wont give it a moment to explode,
Seven years of letting go. No one else will know.

I can taste the buzz of the lift,
As my lips switch to shift.
Got a loaded gun in a sinking ship,
I can taste the buzz, but,
I can tell this is it.
As I hit the edge of my limits.

So here's to today, and forever always afraid,
Of the way you pretend to take me away.
Take me away.
Take me away.

To Say Danger Is a Step Too Soon.. Where are you?

Let it change you, the embrace of an impending doom.
The shock waves alone, will encase your brittle bones.
Let it change you, let it change you.

To be honest is to be vulnerable,
I heard on a non sensible version,
A perversion of her,
Unheard.

To test the will of time,
Is to simply fall behind,
A sentimental demon,
A wish to spread a line to hide behind,
So thin,
Where do we even begin?

As I stand here,
Unclear, are the things I hold near.
Window panes bring my disdain,
As a wish to contain,
The evil haunting my fragile brain,
Spits an image so clear.

You chose, you take a chance,
I'll be here on a relapse.
If you so chose to elapse this side of awakened senses,
Then may I pretend that the time spent has surpassed us,
A chance I would never forgive us for,
A slight knock at the door.
What were we put here for.

Do I do what I chose to?
Do I melt between the bonds?
Do I do what I'm used to?
Running away, too afraid to stay,
Do I run or stay?

Will you tell me?
Will let me believe that this thing is alive,
Or am I meant to die,
Alone?
Alone? This time.

By Candle Light...

Fitting the fringe,
Tasting black, insomniac.
When you talk big, you get hit back fast!

Lightning lies to split the ties,
Bowling bubbles stir the rubble,
It's a must to muster up the confidence,
As evidence suggests, an imprint of the excess!
Piling bodies in hotel lobbies,
Everyone can digest the mess of success!

Bit by bit, the increments incriminate,
Suffocate, supplicate, no need to be afraid!
Witnesses out the door, wonder what they're put there for,
A hint of inclination, I settle for indignation.

Oil tankards, and doorbells.
Someone says a question,
"I smell repetitious suggestion,
Who's the culprit at apprehension?"

Raising my fist, I let er' rip!
One two, three four,
A pounding at the door!
My heart out of my chest,
Unimpressed but fully suppressed,
Who the fuck made these cuffs so tight?
Finish our drinks and call it a night.

Gave it all to you,
Ghost of my dreams.
Light of the sky,
Let's me live at night,
But by daybreak I die!

Gave it all to you,
Ghost of my dreams,
Ripper of seems,
Ender to all things!

Gave it all to you,
Ghost.. Host..
Being that no one knows..

Sweatin' Off an Itch Laced With the Stitches, Idle Hands and Flipped Switches.

Back burning pages,
From my Max Bemis bible.
Torn and turned into stages,
As I climb and slip single file.

Stricken to the edge,
As I filter for a choice.
So what is in store?

It's a plain to see thing,
But I plainly can't believe it to be,
So easily in front of me.

Stuck out my tongue when the wedding bells rung,
Tried not to care, but when fair is fair,
I was raped bare by the truth of it.
Wouldn't dare to make an excuse or run from it.

I'll always come back,
Standing in the same spot feels so reassuring.
I'll always come back,
Stagnancy has a reputable feeling.

Omnipotent,
So insistent,
Clawing at my brain, up the wall, down the drain.
What can I do to fix,
What can I do to be apart of this?

Drag me out by my teeth,
I just don't have time to try to feel inclined anymore.
Drag me out while I'm down on my knee's if the need arises,
Nothing else could take me by surprise, even if you tried.
Even if you tried.

What Would You Even Say? (If We Had Never Gone Astray)

I am standing on the edge,
Of everything.
What was that last thing you had said?
I think it went something along the lines of,
Do I matter, and do you even love?
I tried to listened, but I tend to let you down.

As I trudge this forgotten street,
I find myself on my knee's,
Wishing I was back at home.
Only knowing in my brain,
That those days have washed away.

Where do I get off,
Thinking we could conquer this modern world?
I am only a man, and you were only a girl.
Forever destined to be fighting each other,
Like the two of us have had no other.

I look inside every day,
For the strength.
I die a little as time
Pushes the bond between us,
Even further away.

Where do I get off?
Thinking that we could conquer this modern world?
I am only a man, and you were only a girl.
Forever destined to be fighting,
Like we had no chance, We had one another,
Like we had no choice, I am only a man..

I look inside every day,
For the strength.
I die a little as time,
Pushes us even further away.
Even further each day.

Milligrams of Release and Reprieve

Ancient,
Anxious.
Like a paperback,
Smooth to the touch,
But no colors to crush,
With your eyes.

Licking your lips,
Signals I'd wish to forget.
I put it all on a bet,
That I placed when I was still yet growing.
A minor mistake still showing.

Only this house,
With rooms filled to the roof,
With ghosts of calloused calls,
Would I pray to be buried.
Can deeply be something granted?

Walls painted with perfume,
My ceiling fan spits a gust so strong,
I had to clutch to hold on.

Luckily underneath was warm,
I thought that what was normal,
Was abstract and conformed.
Low and behold, I know now,
There is no doubt between the couch.

Gone with admission,
And all of my superstitions,
Were proven right all along.

Only this house,
Filled to the roof,
With ghosts and calloused calls,
Would I pray to be buried,
Can deeply be something granted?

...And They Say Chivalry is Dead.

I like to stay up late,
For no reason at all.
Off the edge of my bed,
Waiting for a phone call.

I've never taken a step outside,
My life revolves around myself,
And by god no else could help me see,
what is truly right in front of me.

I like to write long boring statements,
About girls who like a guy,
Practically living in his mother's basement,
Bragging about how little I try,
To do anything at all,
It's hard when we're so fucking small.

I see people on screens,
Making millions for being obscene.
Suggesting oppressive idea's,
That everyone else seems to care about.

Is it too late to sleep it off,
Could I possibly wake up,
And be ok with what I've done?
Is it too late to admit,
That being scared isn't even the half of it.

I like to hide behind,
Walls I built with time.
I guess I find it easier to lie,
Than to ever let light leave my eyes.

Calypso (I Don't Think So)

Deep dark crater,
Festering foreign feelings.
Hallucinogenic,
Below what I used to know,
Oceanic, super massive,
Expansive static.

Extraterrestrial,
Giant gas, swirling mass.
Engaged acidic gasp.

Pierced the icy crust,
Incapable of remembrance,
To what I once was.

Hum of home licking the back of my frontal lobe.
Twisted by the visions,
Held inside the water.
Temperature, unstable,
Calculate point, unable.

Mother planet made of rings,
Dancing around bringing a sting,
Aquatic eye, ultraviolet light.

(Don't go too far, Don't forget who you are)
A taste for blood coursing through me
(Eat but live well, Caged again alien)
A taste for death, ever consuming!
Festering foreign feelings ever looming,
Ever looming closer, no closure!

Stealth like priority,
Screaming beacon,
Searching for movement,
Gotta eat, can't lose it.

Kill or be killed,
Orbiting still,
Kill or be killed,
Nature of the living,
Breathe, break, sustain, take.
Fight, flight, stay awake.

Orbiting still,
Kill or be killed...
A taste for blood,
What I once was, was..?
A taste for blood,
Never looking back!

Ultima

I can feel the change.
My body, displaced.
To the edge of reason,
Outside the human race.

A calling out
(Yes we know, You must go)
I'm falling down
(Take the task, You're the hand)
Persistent shroud
(Golden Now, Through the clouds)

All perception known,
Replaced with spacious tones.
Peers of gas and density,
Held tight by law of gravity.

Omnipotent aura,
Culling ties of dimensional rights,
Body shed, but my mind expanding.
All thoughts lost, transcending.

To and fro,
No where to go.
Or at least none
That I recognize,
Disbelief as I blink new eyes.
Swirling blackness,
Hot breath slashes,
Through new lungs,
Deranged with madness,
It's happened,
It's happened!

Begging for breath,
I look around,
Only to find,
A broken state of mind.

Who, What, Where, When (Have You been?)

Who, What, Where, When,
Have you been?
Hanging hard on the edge of every whim.
Remembrance of then, and now,
It is all relevant some how...

Desolate distance,
Causing criminal indifference,
Incompetent insistence,
Please, oh please,
What does it all mean?

I've seen it all live and die,
Different walks of life.
How is it that I, am not surprised to find,
My own two feet, walking against me.

Who, What, Where, and When,
Have you been?
I can taste the shape of things to come,
Laced, leaving traces on my tongue,
Familiar, leaving me undone.

You know where I will be.
You know where you can find me.
Under the shadow of the sun.

Praying Mantis

Sever the ties,
Kingdom of lies,
Come to live a life I despise.

Salt the wound,
Black and blue bruises,
Sink this ship of quicksand decisions,
Lift up the skin, insert chip incision.

Is it best to have a heavy head and an empty heart?
Loaded with lead, ego on point by a check mark.

Laugh at the broken, pompous hoarding thugs.
Getting off by tricks and cheap tugs.
I can have anything my wallet agrees to,
Green colored keys, may they beseech you.
Poison concepts dropped by a hat.
Gotta have it all, we call it the diplomat.

I know you know something is wrong.
But we openly play along, praying one day
For a savior named God.

Pacifist, you make me sick!
Apathy and ignorance.
Pacifist, raise your fist,
Shove it in your mouth and bite down.

Subtle and Stale.

Can I,
Can I trust that this
Is something obvious.

Laying flat,
Flat on my back.
I've,
I've got a question,
Can you answer?
Can you tell me?

I know this won't be forever,
But can we live it together?
I know this will end,
But do you want to spend
Every moment alone atoning
For sins you haven't even committed?

Can I,
Can I trust you?
Are my words misused?

Laying flat,
Flat on our backs.
We like to look at,
Look at the planets,
That dance around.

I know this won't be forever,
But can we live it together?
I know this will end,
But do you want to spend it with me?

Can I,
Can I trust you?
Can you trust me?
I thought that it was plain to see,
Yeah, I thought that you and me,
Were plain to see.

Golden Watch (And I Smile Yet Still)

Fantasies, an acceptance of ease.
Starting to piece it all together,
Lost on the coast of forever.
An ocean overflowing,
Causing erosion on my mental cliffs,
Standing on the edge, waiting for it.

Clutched with vice grips,
Flower blooms, out of my finger tips.
Never is never really that long,
Or even half as much as they say.

Waist deep,
No longer pretending to sleep,
Fully awakened from my darkest dreams.
An hour glass an hour past curfew.

If I had the chance,
To do it all again,
I'd give it my all and then some,
Even though I'm no one,
Special at all.

My greatest achievement,
Being a ghost.
A shadow who,
Is glued to the telephone.
Maybe just one call,
Wouldn't hurt you,
At all.

I would trade,
All the stars in our gracious space,
For another glance,
At that precious face,
My words misplaced,
Just like always.

When I get back from,
My holiday,
We can take turns blaming,
Each other.
As long as you are ok,
With waiting.

Is this cage so blatantly hanging,
Round my head?
Where's my next step?

Is it ok if I,
Eat every chapter that we,
So easily prepare?
Unattended conscientious,
Liquid confidence,
You put me on my knee's,
Barring my perfectly crooked teeth!

Upset stomach,
Anxiety like sheets,
Every need covering me,
From head to toe.

In death I'm not even sorry though...
You had me,
You had me.
And I smile yet still.

I Was Wrong, All Along.

Walk into the pharmacy,
Take my throne upon a porcelain toilet seat.
Would you remember me?

Doubt pours down my mouth,
Disabled spine, lustful concubine.
Shedding weight like I'm diseased,
Who has needs besides these prescription dreams.

The great itch,
It races down my arms,
Onto my stomach,
And across my back.
Thank god I can forget living,
And just relax.

Pacify, holster your gun.
No need for a repeat rerun.
Numb. Numb. Oh well,
Washed up, over done.
Whats' the cost,
I'm a sinner!
So much for loss,
Am I the grand prize winner??

Severance!
Honestly, honesty is no excuse.
What would it be like if we never met?

Say your goodbyes,
I'm craving delusion.
Does that coincide with my current seclusion?

Why! Do I, care at all?
How, can I, be there,
Why won't you care either?

What will you make of me,
Will I be peacefully sleeping?
What will you make of me,
Will I be haunting your thoughts,
A parasite of what I was?

Would you remember me?
Would you remember me?
Took apart my own form,
Pieced it back together,
More monster than before,
More monster than words could justly perform.

But I Still Won't Go Back

Catch that old familiar feeling,
Caught on the down wind,
Ain't no thing as a safe place.

I hear stories all the time,
About how people get involved,
I break records and pluck fresh from the vines.
Just to see how inclined with crime I can get.

I will never forget that old smell,
It lingers still on that shirt,
Remembrance of us raising hell,
And the devil nipping at our backs.

Catch that old familiar feeling,
Caught on the down wind of being human,
Ain't no thing as a safe place,
Ain't no thing as comfort.

I'll keep searching, and when I do,
I'll find it wandering in the deep black and blue.
But I won't call you, so we won't have to ask,
The same bullshit questions, in our minds that stack.
I lack apprehension, for a better me.
When lost in the mirror, cracks are all I see.

I make promises I always break,
They take away from the every now and then.
If only I knew what I do now then,
Maybe I would have broken more and said less.
At least then the excess of our spent emotion,
Would be so unhinged in the closure.

Can you find me now?
Did you hear what I said,
Did you see how I laid in the bed?

Can you dig in the ground?
As I lay, pretending to tend my own grave,
As I pray for an ease of memory.
I held you in my arms a final time that night,
Too bad that it all was a lie, it all was mine.

If You Want Me To Slow Down

I could be curt,
and not cut you in line.
But when will I
Learn to justify,
That giving is as good as getting,
but you're not getting any better,
so why should I give at all?

I could pretend to let live,
And live with regret.
I could pretend that you had died.
That wouldn't change you or I,
This truth, a moth to flame,
Unwavering was my escape.

Got a good god damn job,
Got a cold fucking bed,
Just glad I got a place to lay my hot heaving head.

Got a stiffness to my breath,
Got a sickness stuck in my chest,
But hey, at least I had you...
And her, and she, and that bottle of booze,
The only one who misses me.

Don't worry, fine is how I feel all the time.
You can ask, just relax.
I'm fine, all the time now.
I'm fine, all the time, some how.

Gone, But Not Forgotten

Gone, but not forgotten.
It leaves a life sized wound.
I've dreamed,
Of squeezing it through.

Only a tar pit,
Could ever put me at ease.
The grand place of existence,
A high kept secret,
Amongst the small framed,
I am not afraid.

I can taste it,
A chemical change,
Oh why, do I,
Have to be burdened with,
Caring for you.

All I've got,
Is a heart filled with loss,
and everytime,
I drop a line,
To see how you are,
I remember the scars.

You say I love you,
At the end of every deep endearing phone call,
My body at the moment,
Rejects, wishing you could protect me,
From the demons that consume me.

I project,
An image of conforming,
To the idea,
That you'll be there,
No matter how unfair my mood might be.

But hey...
This was never about me,
I am a byproduct.
And I accept the ineptitude
Of my lackless gratitude,
To the granduer of all things great.

So let us pretend,
That the end,
Ain't as far as it is close.
Cause I am the best that you could do,
And when put to rest,
There is nothing left for us to do..
But accept this truth.
I love you too.